October 7th 1988…35 years later….

35 years ago today… I woke up not knowing I would never hear my mothers voice again.  I woke up not realizing that I would need to learn to navigate my adult life without the one person that may have had some of the answers that I find myself seeking as I have reached an age she never did. 

There are times that I feel incredibly empowered as I reflect on the experiences I have had in my life.  Losing a mother at 15 years old is not something anyone signs up for let alone the health struggles leading up to her death.   While I have always tried to embrace my journey with gratitude and positivity, this current chapter has brought me to a place I never imagined. 

Last year at this time, I was the age my mother was when she passed away.  While I am beyond grateful to be able to live a life my mother never did, as my son approaches the age that I was when I lost her, I have become very aware of how young I truly was.  I find myself grieving all over again in a way that feels somewhat foreign.  My dear friends understand the importance I place on this anniversary.  I always try to do something special to feel closer to my mom.  I have run races in her honor, planted flowers, taken trips, gone on walks and celebrated this incredible life I am lucky enough to live. 

But today?  I’m just embracing simple.  Today, I sit here listening to my son in the other room and I feel a purpose that my mom didn’t get to feel.  While life gets busy and hectic, I do my best to show up and to be present.  To model a life to my child that he will one day look back on with pride and empowerment that his mom did the best she could.  That his mom showed up, even when she was a frazzled mess, pulling into the parking lot 10 minutes late from work and that even though she had hours of work ahead of her, she dropped it all to take him for a drive. 

Today, I want my 14-year-old to never feel what I did that year leading up to my mom’s passing.  Today, I want to teach him that life can be challenging, but with a strong faith, work ethic and love surrounding us, we can get through anything.  Today, I want to teach him that regardless of our own struggles, we can always find ways to be kind and show up and listen and include others.  Today, I reflect on the last 35 years with an appreciation that my mom taught me the beauty of being a good person and caring for others regardless of her own struggles.  As my son approaches the age I was when I lost her, I continue to aspire to be the kind of mom that I honestly dreamed about having.  As the saying goes, “be who you needed when you were young…”  I’d like to think I’m carrying on that legacy….